You Win, You Win... You Lose, You Still Win..

This is a good time for media folks to remember the Romans (Ashutosh of IBN calls them “Romany”). The Romans repeatedly lost their battles to the Gauls but took the defeats in their stride. There are many of our friends in the media who may need psychological counselling tonight; they may be going through the Pakistani syndrome of forever losing battles and wars. Rajdeep Sardesai, Barkha Dutt, Sagarika Ghose, Shekhar Gupta, Dileep Padgaonkar, Aakar Patel, S. Vardarajan, Ashutosh, Nikhil Wagle, Malini P and all their fellow campaigners in the media need to be complimented for their brave campaign against Narendra Modi. Then there are other foot soldiers like Shabnam Hashmi, Mallika Sarabhai, Javed Anand, Sanjiv Bhatt, and it’s time to say Hasta La Teesta to them. Politicians don’t have much of a problem with losing elections and deal with it quite well. They are used to it and always have their reasons ready.

The first rule to remember in a battle is the advice that Joey La Motta gives his brother in the landmark movie “Raging Bull”. Jake La Motta is up for another shot at the world title and is constantly worried about his weight but won’t stop eating. You know, sort of the Barkhas and Sagarikas who can’t stop eating while they campaign. Barkha goes even further, doing most of her campaigning from restaurants like ‘Agashiye’ or ‘Vishalla’ in Ahmedabad. Barkha seems to like Vishalla because it’s close to her only campaign spot ‘Juhapura’, which is a Muslim ghetto in Ahmedabad. See? Mention these two ladies and one can’t help getting distracted. Where were we? Oh yes, here’s Joey’s exemplary to advice to his tough, raging, boxer brother Jake:

“If you win, you win... If you lose, you still win”.

Hear the audio of that brilliant piece of wisdom from Joey La Motta at Hark. That’s the spirit to show. Life goes on! And none of the media folks are losers anyway. They and their channels have made a huge pile of money in their feverish campaigns all these years. Some of them are even known to have become “abnormally affluent” and known to own real estate beyond their known sources of income. But still, an election loss is a loss in public and needs to be dealt with. If it were Robert Vadra, we could have dismissed it as “private loss”. All the Queen’s poodles may definitely go for a ‘make-over’, new hairstyles, new wardrobes but it’s their hearts and minds that need more healing. I had actually thought of 5 ways but there’s Tim Milburn who has come up with 7 in his article “When You Lose An Election”. I will use just 6 of his 7. He has the experience too. So what we’ll do is just rephrase his 7 ways to deal with the loss and help the limousine chauffeurs recover.  

Even though you lost an election, you’re not a loser. Hold your head up; frown but smile. Respond like vindictive pricks. Don’t blame anything or anyone other than communal and polarised Gujjus who don’t understand the concept of secularism at all. Everyone who desires to be in media’s lie-mongering, fake opinion polls and conduct a campaign of calumny will lose out to someone else at some point. Yep! Like Rajdeep and Barkha lost out to Arnab on TRPs. 

Take some time right now to thank those who helped you. Whether they made posters for your campaign or helped spread the word, make sure you thank them. Like those who gave you Blackberrys or Iphones. They’re feeling bad as well (they wanted you to win). Your positive and encouraging words to them will restore their confidence. Do remember all those Hotels that gave you special discounts because you’re a media celeb. Remember all those restaurants who gave you free lunches and dinners just to have their pic taken with you.  

Congratulate the person who won. Huh? NEVER! When it comes to Gujarat, never ever congratulate that man. No matter what people say, no matter how the people vote, that man is not to be congratulated. Find all the excuses and reasons how victory was handed to him and he DID NOT win it. This may be difficult but it is absolutely the right thing to do. 

Reflect on the campaign. The best thing you can do with a failed campaign is to learn from it. Nothing! As with the last decade media folks will keep losing elections and learn nothing. What will you do different next time? Make sure you do all you can to ensure he is not a PM candidate and make a mild concession. Instead of State leader, call him a ‘Regional leader’ at best. Who do you need to bring on board? Think of Shabnam, Teesta, Mallika… Umm.. maybe even Suzy Roy?  

Gather yourself. You will experience a whirlwind of emotion. Take the time to regroup and find your emotional center. You entered the campaign or process with a clear understanding that you are going to lose. You only hoped and prayed it somehow didn’t happen. It did! Talk to princes and princesses. Immerse yourself in something else; like public anger against some cause. Find a sense of imbalance in the way your loss is reported.  

Begin to formulate a new plan. Like I said above, when you lose an election the only thing that really changes is your plans.  You don’t need to change your life, you just need to change your plan.  Start looking at your options. Now it’s time to start thinking about what’s next. Think of your campaign for 2014 and how the prince is your candidate for PM. Think of how to “Evolve” him.  

There! That’s not all that hard to do is it? History has it than when India toured Pakistan after a very long gap for the first time in 1978 under BishenSingh Bedi. After the series, which Pakistan convincingly won, Mushtaq Mohammad the Pak Captain thanked “All his Muslim brothers across the world for their victory”. I must caution Barkha and Sagarika not to thank them for their losses. When asked which two players Bedi would like to pick from Pakistan for his side, he replied “Your two umpires”. Maybe in 2014 our media crooks might like to thank the umpires again. Till then…