The Messiah's Transmitters

Sometimes a writer comes up with a brilliant line and wants to squeeze it somewhere in his article or story. Sometimes a film-maker likes to make an ‘Item-number’ the high-point of a movie. Yes, that sells! Then there might be a very thought provoking line like “Ask not…” by JFK which becomes immortal. And sometimes there might be the analogy that doesn’t fit anywhere but has to be used because the speaker was thrilled with the invention by the script writer. That’s what explains Rahul Gandhi’s statement on Monday, February 6 at Varanasi: “We politicians are just transmitters. Our job is to listen and transmit.  Our job is to understand and transmit”. Given that RG has been parading Sam Pitroda, the telecom specialist, here and there as a symbol of OBC progress I have a feeling the transmitter analogy might have come from Pitroda. There’s only one problem – Transmit to whom? The guy upstairs? Occupants of some inter-planetary craft? Well, whatever RG meant there are other ‘transmitters’ who do a lot of transmitting for him and about him. They are the wise, insightful ones who understand RG far better than lesser mortals like us. Some of them are in the print media and the others on TV. The 12 apostles. Collectively, they faithfully interpret and transmit the pearls of wisdom that RG frequently delivers us.

The transmitters are like a cricket team, 11 plus the extra man. You could call them the twelve apostles of the messiah. TimeGroup, Indian Express, Hindustan Times, IndiaToday group, NDTV, CNN-IBN, TimesNow, HeadlinesToday, StarNews, Tehelka, NewsX with a revolving 12th man. This time let’s start with the 12th man, former spook B. Raman.

It is one from the ‘intelligence’ gang who can analyse RG better than anyone else. Here’s a transmission from B.Raman: “If Rahul can avert a humiliation of the party in the forthcoming polls, that could be an achievement indeed keeping alive the political hopes and aspirations of the Party”. Aha! So the think tanks are constantly defining and re-defining what victory represents. If RG and Congress survive “humiliation” it would be an “achievement”! Mind you, not a majority, not a good chunk of seats but avoiding humiliation would be a victory. Surely, Mr. Raman sets the performance bar for the messiah really high. And we too should concede that if Congress is NOT humiliated then it’s a victory for them.

It is not disputed anymore that a huge majority of newspapers and TV channels are mere mouthpieces of the Congress party. NDTV and CNN-IBN lead the pack and have shed all pretenses of being independent news channels. This is good because they can now freely air their propaganda without being accused of being news channels. On February 6 a CNN-IBN beat reporter cooed a question “Why doesn’t Priyanka enter politics, she is such a natural?” Yes, everyone from the Gandhi dynasty is a “natural”. Lately, even Robert Vadra, Priyanka’s husband, has been campaigning and had some exciting sound bites to offer. He decided that it was currently Rahul’s turn, Priyanka’s would come in time and then he might join politics if people want him to. Of course, people want him to, so tonight at 10pm on NDTV Barkha Dutt will do an exclusive interview with Vadra and plead with him to join politics. And you’re dumb if you didn’t know that “She’s the people”!

Ya’ll are not born smart enough to understand RG. So here’s one more transmitter, Rajdeep Sardesai, the Feditor of CNN-IBN: “At the age of 41, Rahul Gandhi cannot be the eternal Peter Pan. It is time that we discover who the real Rahul Gandhi is. The odd combative press conference is clearly not enough to uncover the real Rahul. He has promised that he is in UP for the long run and has run a strong election campaign. We have just one simple question: would Rahul be tempted to become the UP chief minister if the Congress was in a position to form a government?” Damn! I thought ‘sad sack’ had already uncovered RG two years ago with an “Indian politician of the year award” when he explained Rahul’s great “vision” for India and how despite his young age he towered over senior politicians. And now he wants to discover the real Rahul, he wonders if RG would be tempted to be CM of UP. Funny, isn’t it? One transmitter thinks surviving humiliation is victory and another transmitter wonders if he would take up CMship.

And where transmitters are concerned nobody does it better than NDTV, the eyes, nose and ears of Rahul Gandhi. Quite faithfully they have transmitted 21 gospels by the messiah without fear or favour. These are listed here. What surprises me yet is that despite all the devotion and dedication neither Rahul nor Priyanka have given an ‘exclusive’ interview to Barkha Dutt yet. I expect Robert Vadra will compensate for that tonight. But don’t be disappointed! If you needed a comprehensive transmission of the life work and gospels of Rahul Gandhi you just got lucky. Only last month a complete biography of Rahul was released and it’s now available everywhere. This is just in time for election season.

Rahul’s biography has been transmitted by Veenu Sandhu and Jatin Gandhi. No no, Jatin Gandhi is not the great grandson of Nehru! The book will help you understand: “Who is Rahul Gandhi—the real man—beneath the hype and the hatchet jobs? What are the ideas and influences that propel him? Who are his advisers? And how will he tackle his new responsibilities as his mother, Sonia Gandhi, makes way for him?” Never mind that. It’s the lineage of the authors that should give you some idea of what the transmission would contain. Take a look:

Jatin Gandhi - Has reported from different parts of India for the last fifteen years for both print and electronic media, including the Hindustan Times, the Indian Express, Times Now, Star News and wahindia.com

Veenu Sandhu - Has reported on a range of subjects in a career that spans fifteen years and which includes stints at the Indian Express, the Hindustan Times and NDTV 24x7. She is currently Features Editor with Business Standard in Delhi.

So it’s not just Rahul The Messiah, but sister Priyanka, her husband Robert Vadra, their little daughter who are all out to send “messages” to us. Well, if they had cats and dogs they would be out there too. There is just one little problem. After stating “We politicians are just transmitters. Our job is to listen and transmit.  Our job is to understand and transmit”, In the list of 21 gospels that NDTV faithfully reproduced you will not find this fantastic piece of transmission from Rahul Gandhi: “I don’t care about election results”. So much for listening, understanding and transmitting!